Murder Most Fowl

Worse than an alarm clock

I awoke this morning at 6:15 AM (a whole two hours before the incessant chirping of  my alarm clock!) to a sound that is unfortunately becoming easy for me to recognize. My house, especially the area outside my bedroom window, has become the feeding ground for a woodpecker. As I rolled over to knock on my wall in hopes of frightening this red-headed irritant away (because this has worked in the past), my sleep-addled brain silently declared war on the beast. Once I discovered that this feeble attempt at peace would prove ineffective, I actually got out of bed, opened my window, and, with a shake of my fist, yelled at the thing to leave me alone like an old codger yelling at some pesky neighborhood kids to get off his lawn. This is to be the last time the knocking pest wrenches me from the depths of my slumber.

I know there is little that is poetic about this incident, but I, being the annoying writer that I am, compared my predicament to a few lines from “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe. The lines are: “While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, / As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.” These circumstances differ from mine, however, because in lieu of a “gentle rapping” I had to listen to the temperamental tapping of this demonic freak. Like most sane people, after about five minutes of this, my thoughts turned from poetic to violent.

As I lay there, wishing death upon this living alarm clock, I must have thought up several pest control traps that could rid me of this annoyance. (I have since done some research and found that woodpecker traps DO exist!)

Unfortunately, this one does not cause birds to lose sleep

The first, and least creative, is a simple net. If I had the time, dexterity, and a composed nature, perhaps I could track down the monstrous siren this afternoon and save both my house and my sleep schedule from holes. The second is a mouse trap for birds. Maybe I could lure this housepecker into it with my hopes and dreams of sleep. The third, and perhaps the idea that will cause me to receive letters from PETA, is a bear trap-type device. If executed correctly, this contraption would capture the beak of this flying nuisance, rendering it quiet, and quite possibly dead. This pecking expletive should not take my threats lightly, especially when I am sleep deprived.

So, heed my warning, you incessant and foul beast. I WILL find you. And I WILL get even.


2 thoughts on “Murder Most Fowl”

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