Manslaughter or premeditated murder?
I had a Barbie when I was younger, and I don’t know why she was my favorite because she looked just like all of my other Barbies, but she was. I would spend my days begging my darling big brother to play Barbies with me because it was usually more fun when he joined. Unfortunately, my favorite barbie wouldn’t have met her untimely demise if my older brother hadn’t appeased me that sunny afternoon. When I asked my brother to play with me, instead of grabbing a doll and sitting on our laundry room floor like I expected my tame, level-headed sibling to do, he shouted, “AND THEN A GIANT CAME WALKING BY!!!” and proceeded to step on my favorite Barbie. Nothing would ever be the same again.
Well, my giant idiot brother did some damage because, next thing I knew, I was picking my favorite Barbie’s head up off the floor. I still have flashbacks… I quickly ran to my mom to see if she could pop her head back on, because she had been able to do this before, but Barbie was past the point of no return.
Time of death: 12:03 PM
Cause of Death: Decapitation by giant idiot brother
Barbara B. Barbie, 24, died at 12:03 PM, from injuries sustained during a giant raid on her village.
Barbie was born in a Mattel factory in China (probably). Once relocating to Shayne’s room, she worked as a My Little Pony farmer and beach curator. She spent her days wearing the same outfit, riding her My Little Pony horses, and talking in circles. She was a member of the local yacht club.
She is survived by her father, G.I. Joe, her mother, Betty Spaghetty, and several sister Barbies.
She is preceded in death by her brother, Joe the Bear, who got lost during vacation, and Uncle Elmo, whose batteries were never replaced.
Services will be held Tuesday, at 1 PM, in the garage, when Barbara will be stripped and thrown in the trash.
In lieu of flowers, please send monetary donations to the Toys for Tots Foundation so other little girls can enjoy time with a Barbie.